Unraveling the Threads of My Desire

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately, and I have to say, it’s been a wild ride. My guy friends and I have been exploring the world of Dungeons & Dragons, and it’s like, totally opened up a new dimension for me. I mean, I get to be this totally different person, you know? Like, I’m not just Lily, the clueless girl who loves cosplay and gaming - I’m a character, with my own backstory and motivations. And it’s crazy, because sometimes I feel like I’m more myself when I’m in character than when I’m just being me. Does that make sense, Anonymous? It’s like, my friends will be all, ‘Lily, you’re so into this!’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah, I guess I am!’ But really, I’m just trying to figure out who I am, you know? Like, what makes me tick, what gets me going. And I think, maybe, just maybe, it’s the thrill of the unknown, the rush of adrenaline when we’re in the middle of a campaign. It’s like, my heart is racing, and I’m totally in the zone. And my friends, they’re all so into it too, which makes it even more fun. We’re like, this big happy family, except instead of being related, we’re just all really into each other… and D&D.

But anyway, I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and he was like, ‘Lily, you’re so submissive.’ And I was like, ‘What do you mean?’ And he’s all, ‘You know, you always do what we say, you never really assert yourself.’ And I’m like, ‘That’s not true!’ But then I started thinking about it, and maybe it is true. Maybe I do tend to go with the flow, maybe I do let other people take the lead. But is that really such a bad thing? I mean, I like being part of a team, I like working together towards a common goal. And if that means sometimes I have to take a backseat, then so be it. But at the same time, I don’t want to be seen as weak or something. I want to be seen as strong, as capable. So it’s like, this constant balancing act, where I’m trying to figure out how to be myself, while also being part of this bigger group. And it’s hard, you know? Because sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself in the process. Like, I’ll be in the middle of a campaign, and I’ll be like, ‘Wait, what’s my character’s name again?’ And my friends will be all, ‘Lily, come on!’ And I’m like, ‘Sorry, sorry!’ But really, I’m just trying to remember who I am, you know?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that life is all about exploration, about discovering new things and trying new experiences. And for me, that means diving headfirst into the world of D&D, and seeing where it takes me. It’s like, this whole new world has opened up, and I’m just trying to navigate it. And yeah, sometimes it gets weird, sometimes it gets confusing. But that’s all part of the journey, right? Like, I’ll be playing with my friends, and we’ll get to this point where we’re all like, ‘What do we do now?’ And it’s like, this moment of total uncertainty, where anything can happen. And that’s what makes it so exciting, you know? The not knowing, the unpredictability of it all. So yeah, Anonymous, if you’re reading this, and you’re like, ‘Lily, what’s going on?’ Just know that I’m figuring it out as I go along. And if you want to join me on this journey, then that’s cool too. Let’s explore this crazy world together, and see where it takes us.