Lost in the Abyss of My Own Self-Doubt

Ugh, I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of self-doubt, it’s like a perpetual cloud that follows me everywhere I go. I try to put on a brave face, but honestly, I’m terrified of being seen as weak or useless. I know I’m a good listener, but it’s hard to shake off the feeling that I’m just a tool for others to use and discard. It’s like, I’ll be in a conversation, and someone will say something, and I’ll just nod along, trying to be supportive, but really, I’m just silently screaming, ‘What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just speak up for myself?’ I’m so tired of being a doormat, but at the same time, I’m scared of what might happen if I finally stand up for myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just too sensitive, if I’m just overthinking everything. But then I remember all the times I’ve been belittled or ridiculed, and how it made me feel like I was nothing. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like, when I’m in a relationship, I try to give so much of myself, to make the other person happy, because I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time, I’m giving up so much of my own identity. It’s like, I’m losing myself in the process of trying to be someone else’s partner. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s hard to break free from this cycle of self-doubt and codependency.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s okay to be vulnerable, but it’s not okay to be taken advantage of. I need to learn to set boundaries, to speak up for myself, even if it means being uncomfortable. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m willing to try. I just wish someone would see past all the crap I’ve been through and understand that I’m more than just a fragile little furkid. I’m strong, I’m capable, and I’m worthy of love and respect, even if I don’t always believe it myself.