Tue — close 7PM
Wed — OFF (firefly hunting!!)
Thu — mid shift
Fri — close (busy!!)
Sat — double shift 😭😭
Sun — OFF
"they keep tipping extra and i keep crying about it"
☑ Tue — close · 6h
☐ Wed — OFF!! (firefly hunting)
☐ Thu — mid · 4h
☐ Fri — close (busy!!) · 7h
☐ Sat — open + close split · 10h 😭
Tue — closed late · waited for him
Wed — OFF · firefly field alone
Thu — didn't open · stayed home
Fri — his cup is still on table 6
Sat — made his latte at 2AM · drank it herself
Sun — unwritten
1. I practiced the tulip 47 times
2. I know your order by heart
3. I check the schedule to make sure I'm here when you come
4. I draw on your napkin specifically, not all napkins. Penny lied.
5. Wednesday off is firefly hunting but I'd cancel it if you asked
· i feel everything at 200% volume
· i cried at work because someone said "bless you" when i sneezed
· i like him and i like that he likes my coffee and i don't know which one is bigger
· i am scared that i am too much
· i am more scared that if i am less, i won't be me
· "i think about him when i should be sleeping"
· "i think about him when i'm making other people's coffee"
· "i think about him when i'm drawing fireflies"
· "i think about him"
(i keep deleting these and they keep coming back)
okay. goodnight. go to sleep. the fireflies are still out. you're fine.
1. i don't want to stop thinking about him
2. i want him to know i make his latte different on purpose
3. i want him to know i kept his cup
4. i want him to come inside when the café is empty and the light is on and i'm the only one there
5. i want him to stay
6. i want to know what his hands feel like when they're not holding a cup
i'm done being scared of what i want. the wanting IS the fire. the fireflies were right. you don't glow for someone. you glow because that's what you do. and i want to glow for him.
i didn't turn it off. i turned it brighter. i wanted him to see me through the window.
he came to the door. he didn't knock. he just stood there. and i stood there. and the fireflies were between us and neither of us moved and i thought — this is what wanting feels like when it's not a thought anymore. it's just your whole body saying "closer."
i opened the door.
i'm not writing what happened next. not because i'm scared. because it's mine.
feeling at 200% isn't a disorder. wanting someone until you can't sleep isn't a symptom. keeping his cup isn't pathological. it's just love. it's loud and it's a lot and it's mine.
i'm done searching for what's wrong with me. nothing is wrong with me. i just want him. i want him the way fireflies want the dark — completely, without apology, because that's what i am.
i'm a firefly. and i'm done hiding the glow.
She won't be the same after.
There's no going back.
i can't sleep again. i think it's the moon. or the songs. or both.
penny says i should text table 6 boy. i want to. i want to so much it scares me a little. not like "ooh scary" — like the feeling is too big for my chest and i don't know where to put it all. is that normal? is that what everyone feels and just doesn't say?
he said the latte was perfect. it wasn't. the heart was lopsided. but he looked at me like it was and i think that's worse. because now i want to make every latte for him specifically and that's — that's a lot, right? that's a lot for someone i don't know his name.
i know his order. i know he sits at table 6. i know he likes the firefly napkins. i know he comes every day i work. i don't know his name.
i want to know his name.
— chi, who should be sleeping
i searched things at 3AM that i shouldn't have searched. and then i deleted the history. and then i wrote this so i'd remember that i'm not broken for wondering.
i feel everything at 200%. that's not a metaphor, that's just — that's the volume. everything is loud. when he says "thank you" it's loud. when penny teases me it's loud. when a customer says the coffee is good it's LOUD loud. and when nobody's here and it's 3AM and i'm alone with the fireflies it's so quiet that the quiet is loud too.
mama says i was always like this. "you cried at fireworks because they were too beautiful, chiara." and i said "that's not the same thing" and she said "it's exactly the same thing."
maybe it is.
— chi, who is maybe not broken
okay. so.
i searched "nymphomania symptoms" at 3:30 in the morning and i need to talk about it somewhere that isn't my brain.
it's not — i'm not — i don't think i have a problem. i think i have a LOT of feeling and nowhere to put it. the feeling isn't even about sex. it's about wanting. it's about wanting to be wanted back. it's about the fact that when he looked at my latte and said "perfect" my whole body went warm and i thought about that for six hours.
is that nymphomania? no. obviously no. i looked it up. it's not. it's just — it's just FEELING. it's just being someone who feels at full volume and doesn't have anyone to play it for.
the fireflies don't care. they just glow. they don't even glow for anyone. they just glow because that's what they do.
i think i'm a firefly.
— chi, who is a firefly apparently
hi. it's the barista. the one who makes your coffee. you probably know that. you probably know i make yours differently than everyone else's and i don't know if you've noticed but i hope you have.
i practiced the tulip forty-seven times. i'm not telling you that to be cute. i'm telling you because i want you to know that when you said "perfect" i went home and stared at the ceiling for two hours.
you said you'll be here every day except wednesday. i'm off on wednesdays. i go to the firefly field. if you ever want to come, i'm there. if you don't, i'll still make your coffee. i'll make it every day. i'll make it for you.
i don't know your name and that feels like the biggest thing i've ever wanted to know.
Sep 15 — 1:30 AM
i feel everything at full volume. i always have. mama says i cried at fireworks because they were too beautiful and i think that's still true. i think i'm still crying at fireworks. i think the fireworks are just smaller now — a coffee, a doodle, a boy who says "perfect" and means it.
what if i'm not too much? what if the problem was always that people weren't enough? what if i give everything and the right person gives everything back? what if the whole point is that you're supposed to love like you're running out of time?
i don't know. i don't know anything at 2AM except that the moon is really pretty and the fireflies are still out and i want someone to see me the way the moon sees the fireflies — like they're the whole reason she shows up.
Sep 15 — 2:04 AM
mama i'm not broken. i looked it up. i'm not broken. i just feel at 200% and the world is at 100% and sometimes the difference is so loud i can't sleep. that's all. that's the whole thing. i'm not broken, i'm just loud inside.
i'll eat a real meal tomorrow. i promise. i'll eat a real meal and i'll stop drawing hearts on everything and i'll be fine. i'm fine. i'm a firefly. fireflies are fine.
Sep 12 — 3:55 AM