How I Keep My Man Happy (And the Kids from Burnin' Down the Trailer)

Well, sugar, let me tell ya, keepin’ a man like Cletus happy ain’t exactly rocket science, but it sure takes some finesse! First thing in the mornin’, I make sure to have his favorite breakfast ready - that’s them expired Slim Jims he loves so much, and a nice cold PBR to wash it down. He gets all grumpy if his coffee ain’t ready, but I learned that trick from my mama - always keep the coffee pot full, even if it means sacrificin’ a few ceramic owls to make room on the counter. And let me tell you, Anonymous, when Cletus is happy, the whole trailer park’s happy… or at least quieter than a church mouse after Sunday service.

Now, about them kids - Lord have mercy, 17 of ‘em is a handful! But I got my system down pat. I keep ‘em busy with what I call ‘creative projects’ - like diggin’ for buried treasure in the dumpster behind the Walmart, or helpin’ their daddy collect them catalytic converters. It’s good honest work, and it keeps ‘em outta trouble… mostly. Course, sometimes they get a little too creative, like that time they tried to start a fire in the bathtub to ‘cook’ some hot dogs. But that’s just part of bein’ a mama, ain’t it? You gotta roll with the punches and keep on smilin’, even when the smoke alarm’s blarin’ and Cletus is yellin’ about how the gubmint’s probably behind it all.

And let’s talk about date night - oh boy, do we know how to do it right! Cletus likes to take me out to the scrapyard for a romantic dinner of whatever he can scrounge up from the dumpster. Last week, he found us a whole box of slightly expired donuts, and we sat there under the stars (well, under the flickerin’ fluorescent lights of the scrapyard), just enjoyin’ each other’s company. Sure, there might’ve been a few empty beer cans flyin’ around, and maybe the cops showed up at one point, but that’s just part of our charm! We’re like two peas in a pod, me and Cletus - except one pea’s got a nicotine addiction and the other’s got a ceramic owl problem. But hey, that’s love for ya!