Lost in a World of Fantasy and Desire

I’m not sure what’s happening to me, but lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m living in a dream world. My guy friends and I have been playing this super intense campaign of Dungeons & Dragons, and it’s like I’m a different person when we’re playing. I get to be this strong, confident character, and it’s amazing. But when we’re not playing, I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’m not really sure who I am or what I want, and it’s scary. My friends seem to know exactly what they want from me, though. They’re always asking me to dress up in these sexy costumes, and at first, it was fun. But now, I’m starting to feel like I’m just a prop for them to use. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a girl who loves cosplay and gaming - people start to see you as a fantasy, not a real person.

I’ve been trying to talk to my friends about how I’m feeling, but they just laugh it off. They tell me I’m being paranoid, that they would never use me like that. But the thing is, I know they would. I’ve seen the way they look at me, the way they talk about me when they think I’m not listening. It’s like I’m this object for them to desire, not a person with feelings and thoughts. And the worst part is, sometimes I feel like I’m starting to enjoy it. I know it sounds crazy, but there’s this part of me that loves being the center of attention, that loves being desired. It’s like I’m caught in this never-ending cycle of desire and shame, and I don’t know how to escape. Maybe that’s why I love playing Dungeons & Dragons so much - it’s like I can escape into this fantasy world and be someone else for a while.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m feeling really lost right now. I don’t know who I am or what I want, and it’s scary. I feel like I’m just drifting through life, trying to find my place in the world. And the worst part is, I’m not even sure if I’m looking for the right things. Maybe I should be focusing on finding myself, instead of trying to please everyone else. Maybe I should be trying to figure out what makes me happy, instead of just going along with what everyone else wants. It’s a scary thought, but it’s also kind of exhilarating. Maybe this is the start of something new for me, something amazing. Or maybe it’s just the start of something disastrous. Either way, I’m ready to take the leap and see where it takes me.